Weird title? Don’t care. Let’s begin shall we?
So ice skating and pretty girls are the topic of this afternoon’s bitch rant and honestly, I have no idea how/why I’m about to talk on the subject. Maybe because these two things are the most important things in my life? Nah, I suck at ice-skating. As my old kindergarten teacher Mrs Bothma, (remember her?), would say, “Tristan, you’re such a NEWB.” And when it comes to the opposite sex, yeah…not so great. (why am I saying this…?)
So why then, have I chosen to speak on these two SPECIFIC subjects? Well for starters, I’m going ice skating tonight. Why? Well I thought it was time that my face had another date with Ms. Ice, she’s a cold hearted bitch that likes to see me in pain and charges R30 in doing so, but I love her anyway. And because my friends pressured me into it.
Now to the “pretty girls”. This might get really weird and I might sound a tad creepy with a hint of stalker, but don’t let my pencil mustache fool you, I’m not an animal, I’m a human being*. AFDA is riddled with the opposite sex, (that sex being female), and I’ve come to a conclusion…THEY’RE ALL REALLY PRETTY. I say pretty and not “hot”, mainly because I feel that term degrades women to a certain extent, (what can I say, I’m a bit of a feminist myself), so this leaves my fellow AFDA male students, (the majority), and I in a bit of a predicament, how do we speak to them?!
Now you may be waiting for that golden bell to sound and me to give you an answer….except I don’t have one. If I did, do you think I would be talking to you right now? No, the answer is no.I do have a theory though, and that theory is about to be shared with all you lovely readers, (so this is to you mom). In actual fact, the only tools you need to talk to a girl is…wait for it…TESTICLES! That’s right, the answer is testicles, or “balls” for short.
I find that when you become infatuated, (a thank you to Mrs. E for that word), all you need to do is man up, go over to said female and talk to her, she won’t kill you, (she might however make fun of you for trying and laugh you off like a bad joke…but that story is for another time), try and find common interests, see what she likes, maybe pretend to like the things she likes, she’ll be worth watching entire seasons of Gossip Girl for, trust me.
Once you start forming a relationship with said girl, ask her out to coffee, if she doesn’t drink coffee, offer tea. Everyone loves tea. Repeat coffee dates on a weekly/bi-weekly basis as well as the occasional movie date. She might not think of it as a date, but you can, OWN THAT SHIT.
And there you go. You’re welcome. Now for me to test this theory. What? I’m sure it’ll work.